So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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