my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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