I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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