I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
