Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize