She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
