i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
3pm strippers are depressing
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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