it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
