And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
