Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
