My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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