You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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