I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
