If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
