The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
