wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
