Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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