Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
