I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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