Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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