Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I need to sanitize my soul.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize