You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
