His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
What drink are we having for lunch?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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