Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize