at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
bring money and cleavage
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
