I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
