Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
