Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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