Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize