He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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