So drunk its hurt
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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