bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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