Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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