Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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