Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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