The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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