I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
