Soap is not a condiment
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
