My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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