it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
