you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
