dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
