At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
