it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
