So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
