She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
