I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
