Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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