i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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