margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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