Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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