I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize