Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize