there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just want nice things and good sex
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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