I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
