And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
