You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Oh god it's open bar.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
