Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
