So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
