who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
