youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
